And the hits just keep on comin...

Ever notice that the things you fear will happen in life... seem to happen?  Or maybe that's just me.  I don't know.  But all the things I've ever feared my whole entire adult life?  Have happened ALL in the last month.

I found out yesterday that my husband lost his job.  On top of everything else.  It was nothing he did wrong.  It's just the line of work he's in.  Or WAS in.  It's in the toilet.  And so we're done. 

I don't even know what to say.  It's been one thing after another.  I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.  I wake up with fear and dread EVERY morning.  I wonder how we'll make it.  I wonder what will happen to us.  I wonder what's in store for us. The uncertainty is killing me.

But the thing is?  I know we'll be ok.  I know we won't end up homeless or something.  I know God will provide a roof over our head and food to eat.  We may lose our house.  We may lose material possessions.  But I know we'll survive and we will make it.  We're both college-educated intelligent adults.  We should be able to come up with some way to make it.

But.... I don't understand it.  I know that I'm still in the shock stage.  I'm shocked, and yes, I'm pissed off.  Why is this happening?  Why all of this all right now?  All at once?  I don't know.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3: 5-6

That verse keeps playing over and over in my head.  But I laugh.  My own understanding?  There is NO understanding.  I don't get it.  Perhaps there's no sense in expending energy on that.  I keep focused on surviving day to day right now.  Keeping it together.  Keeping my kids together.  It seems that's my role.  That's all I do.  And I'm tired.

You know what's funny though?  People.  Friends and family.  When we tell them what's going on, they say things like, "Maybe it's for the best."  FOR THE BEST?  Yeah. Ok. Easy for YOU to say.  Yeah, it's for the BEST that our lives are in the toilet.  It's for the BEST that my son is in pain every day with no way to help him.  It's for the BEST that we're in debt up to our eyeballs and my husband just lost his job.  It's for the BEST that my husband has ongoing health problems and soon-to-be no health insurance.  And a bunch of other crap that I don't feel comfortable saying here.  People used to say that years ago when we went through years and years of infertility issues.  "Yeah maybe it's for the best that God didn't give you a child."  No.  Don't tell me that.  That makes no one feel better.  Except maybe you.  I know you don't know what else to say sometimes.  I know you don't mean to make people feel badly.  But please.  Don't tell me all of this is for 'the best.' 

Yeah, I know this is all a part of God's plan.  I know we go through hard times and we come out on the other side better stronger people.  I get that.  I know that's probably what you mean when you say it's for 'the best.'  But you know what?  Tell me it's going to be ok.  Tell me that yeah, it's going to be hard but we'll make it through.  Tell me that God has us all cradled in His loving arms, and that He'll carry us through. 

Yeah, I know I seem angry.  I AM angry.  I'm ticked this is happening.  I'm a good person.  I wake up every day and find ways to be more Christ-like.  I use my energy and resources and money to find ways to help others.  I don't think I'm a greedy person.  I would like to think I do more good than harm in this world with the things God has given me.  Why is it being taken away?  All at once?  I wish I knew. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3: 5-6

I'm tired.  But I'm trying.

Women of Faith

Friday night and all day Saturday, I went to the Women of Faith conference. I have to admit - I was a little nervous. I didn't know what to expect. I was hoping it wasn't going to be a bunch of superficial-let's-all-hug-and-instantly-become-best-friends sort of thing.

(Because to be honest? I've been to women's retreats like that. And yeah....Ick. Not my cup of tea. You know what I mean...let's all go around the room and share our deepest most sacred secret. And then make a joke or two about PMS and chocolate cravings. And pretend not only that none of us have brains, but that we're all the same and part of a special sisterhood now. Bleh.) Ha ha - yeah I guess I was pretty cynical, wasn't I? Heh.

But anyhoo. This conference was nothing like that. It was good. It really really was. My tank was EMPTY. Running on FUMES. But the speakers and the music...just really filled me up. I could feel Jesus' presence in the people there, in the messages, and it helped me. I'm sooooo very glad I went. I think I'll go next year, too!

I really enjoyed all the speakers and just loved the music. But the singer whom I now love? After hearing her sing, and learning about the things she does? Nicole C. Mullen. This girl is totally incredible. Not only is her voice just... amazing, but the ministries she's involved with are awe-inspiring. Her main passion is working to help free the Trokosi slaves held captive in Ghana, West Africa. She didn't talk much about that, so I've been googling and researching to find out more...

But also, for about the last 13 years or so, she has been heading up a mentor program, called the Baby Girls Club. She takes these inner-city youth, and teaches them, guides them, and ministers to them...and they go on tour with her! They go on stage and dance and sing with her! They also quote memorized scripture and they share their newfound faith.

It was amazing. I teared up a few times (Yeah, shutup. Doesn't take much) watching the happiness on these girls' faces as they danced and sang up there with Nicole C. Mullen. So very cool. These kids are never going to forget this experience! It was just so inspiring. She made me want to reach outside myself and look beyond me. Beyond my little world.

So anyway. My weekend was awesome. Hope yours was, too.

Honey bee crisis could lead to higher food prices

Oh my.  Did you see THIS?   Eek. 

Click this icon for more information... (Thanks again, Mary, for making this graphic!)

We endure 9 months of rain for mornings like this...

When it's beautiful around here, it's really really beautiful.  Yes, it rains a LOT.  And it gets depressing.  But when the rain stops and the sun comes out?  It's breathtaking.

This morning I got up early.  Really really early.  I took my coffee outside and watered my flowers and plants before anyone else got up.  And it was heavenly!  It was so quiet.  The only sounds were my freaky rooster and the distant birds chirping.  Awww...it was lovely.

This is the view I enjoyed.  Although this picture doesn't do it justice.  That's our garden and our little orchard.   

I think I may get up early tomorrow, too.  And just enjoy God's creation all over again.

P.S.  Happy birthday to my sister, Carol!  My second mom, my best friend, my big sister.  I love you!

It's my post and I'll cry if I want to

Today, after church, I decided to treat myself and get my nails done.  It was lovely! 

But as I was sitting there, all of a sudden, I began sobbing. 

Not the bawl-outloud-uncontrollable ugly-cry (thankfully) but more like the silently-tears-streaming-down-the-face-can't stop-'em-if-you-tried crying.  Believe me, I TRIED stopping, but alas, I could not.  I just started thinking how miserable my life is right now, and how everything is in the TOILET.  I know things will get better, but for now?  I'm swimmin' in the sewer.  And it all let loose today at the nail place.  (Yeah - totally mortifying.)

My nail lady finally looked up and saw me.  She stared at me for a while.  Then (picture a very sweet, tiny, prim & proper, older Asian lady) she says, "Whatsamattah?  You don't like your nail?"

And then I burst out laughing.  I mean - totally cracking up.  The lady next to me burst out laughing, too.  Soon the whole place was laughing hysterically.  It was hilarious!  I felt like a total lunatic, but man.  It sure felt good to laugh.  (They may not ever let me in the place again, but that's ok.  The older I get?  The less I care what people think.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad.)

Anyway.

In other news, my new little friend Lora came to visit the farm yesterday!  Along with Heidi and Hillary.  (Oh - and Griffey the dog, too!)

It was fun showing them around.  Lora and Lexi became fast friends!  (Lora kept saying they were GFF's instead of BFF's..ha ha!)  She didn't like the pigs much, but we did get her to touch a baby chick!  I think her favorite part was the strawberry patch.  Oh - and the swings. 

I hope they all come back again soon!  (Oh but Heidi?  Ummm....you need to get used to the farm smells first.  Pigs?  Yeah. They SMELL.  Come back in August when it's hot. And the farmer across the street sprays his pastures with cow crap.  Fun times.)

Meet Leonard

Ok, so remember when my frogs laid eggs?  Well, I don't think I blogged about it, but all the tadpoles inexplicably died except one.

But this one little guy, dubbed "Leonard the Lonely Tadpole" by my son Cole, is going strong!  He's about three weeks old now!

See him?  What big eyes he has!

It's so funny.  Last week, I got an email from someone who apparently reads my twitters asking about Leonard and how he was holding up.  And then yesterday, the UPS guy came into see me at work.  Only, he didn't have a package for us...he was wondering how Leonard was doing.  Ha ha!

So as you can see, Leonard is doing great!  It'll be fun watching him change into a frog in the coming weeks. 

It will be ok.

Whew!  The last few days have been a blur.  Sooo many things going on.  But, my husband is home from the hospital, and he's healing nicely.

I'm not sure which is harder - being the person having surgery, or being the person sitting in the waiting room waiting for the person having surgery.  Both are tough.

Anyway, sitting in the waiting room all those hours was...interesting.  It was a crowded waiting room, with lots of worried anxious people.  There were probably 20 people there.  Most everyone had a friend or a family member waiting with them, but there was another lady, besides me that was waiting alone.  She sat down right beside me and smiled.  I'm not one to talk to strangers.  I'm usually quiet and reserved, and yes - shy.  But, this lady began talking to me, and it felt so right and comfortable.

Her name was Marion.  She looked to be in her late 60's, but I later found out she was 82.  Mostly, we passed the time with small talk.  I learned that she had lived in the Seattle area all of her life.  She and her husband Walt had just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary!  Walt was having hernia surgery that day.

After about 45 minutes of chatting with Marion, she looked at me with her kind deep blue eyes, and said, "If you don't mind me saying, young lady, you look like you have the weight of the world resting on your shoulders. There's something besides your husband's surgery you're thinking about, isn't there?"

I smiled, and answered,  "Yes, there is.  I'm sitting here in the quiet of this room without the distractions of work or my kids, and I'm left thinking and praying about this huge mountain I have to climb."

And then Marion, this kind, beautiful, wise woman I had just met, took my hand in hers.  She looked at me with those incredible eyes - I kept thinking they looked like little swimming pools.  They were sooo blue!  She said, "I've learned a lot in my 82 years. Some the easy way, and some the not-so-easy way.  But there's one important thing you need to know.  Whatever this is - facing you right now, you WILL BE OK on the other side.  You WILL be ok.  But, you need to pay attention.  You need to keep your heart open.  You need to learn what you're supposed to learn.  Because one day, God will put a hurting person in your path, like He did for me today.  And you will get to use your wisdom to guide this person.  This mountain?  It's there for you to climb.  The tears and sweat and pain required to climb it will be used later.  Pay attention!"

And she squeezed my hand.  And I cried.  And she smiled and she teared up with me.  We didn't say much after that.  But when Walt came out of surgery, before she got up, she gave me a hug and told me again, "It will be ok." 

I know it will.  I know it will be ok.

Double Digit

Dear Alexandra,

Wow. Today you are 10. My baby girl is ten! I can't hardly believe it. This whole weekend I've been watching you run around with your brothers, laughing, soooo excited that school was out. Ha ha! What a beautiful girl you've turned into, Lexi!

Wasn't it just yesterday that you were born? It seems that way to me. I was so excited to have a baby daughter! Remember when you were real little, you used to chant, "Mommy is the best friend, Mommy is the best friend..." Ha ha! I loved every minute of it. I hope you're still chanting that in a few short years when you're a teenager.

I love the person you are, Lexi. I love how strong and opinionated and sure-of-yourself you are. Because sometimes you're everything I wish I was. I love your sense of humor, and I love your command of the English language. (Even at 8-years-old. Remember when you said, "Oh, Mom, you're being cantankerous!" And before I could scold you, I had to look that word up. Ha.)

I like that you still need me. Even though you're Daddy's girl sometimes, I like that I'm your first choice for a bad dream or hurt feelings. I like the way you come to me and say, "Mom. I need to talk to you in private." I smile inside. Because I know I'm about to hear about troubles you're having with a friend at school, or an unfair teacher, or how mad your brothers make you. I smile because I love these talks we have. I love that you feel so comfortable telling me everything. I hope that lasts forever.

I am amazed at your work ethic. You're just like your daddy in that way. You will stack wood, pull weeds, or muck the pig house until the job is done. I remember once you told me, "Mom? I don't understand how the boys can walk away from a job before it's done. For me, I just don't feel right until the job is COMPLETE." Yep. That's been you since the day you were born. And I admire you for it. (But ummmm...could you apply a little of that to your messy room?)

This year, when I asked you what you wanted for your birthday, I was shocked in a bittersweet way, at your answer. I expected to hear barbies or doll clothes or even maybe riding boots - as in past years. But instead you said you wanted a pretty summer outfit and a room make-over. (Oh, and a cell phone...NOT happening, by the way.) My little girl is growing up!

Lexi, I could never put into words how much I love you. I love the memories of the little girl you were, and I love the young lady you are becoming. You are one of the many true blessings I have in my life. I will love you always no matter what. No matter what you do, where you go, who you love, what you look like, or what you believe.

Happy birthday, my sweet, strong, smart, lovely 10-year-old girl. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and start the next year of your life.

Love, Mommy

Of Chicks, Bees & Pigs

Today was the last day of school!  Yay!  I have to work the month of June.  But STILL!  It'll be nice and quiet at school.

Life is so busy right now. Sunday, of course is Father's Day, Monday is my daughter's birthday, and Tuesday is my husband's surgery.  I'm already exhausted.  *Deep Breath*

I have no energy for a long post.  So instead?  Some pictures...

Look how big the chicks are! 

After just 10 days after we got them!  Remember?

And now, some sad news.  One of the hives is not doing well.  Look:

See all those things on the gravel?  Those are dead bodies.  Thousands of 'em.  Each one of those dark dots in the picture below is a bee body.  :( 

It's because of the cold snap we had.  This is one of new hives.  They didn't have any honey stored up yet.  And they were unprepared for the unseasonably cold weather.  We'll see if this hive can recover...The other two hives seem fine.

And finally?  I leave you with this funny picture of the pigs.  Awwww...the life of a chubby pig! Don't they look comfy?  And messy. 

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Evidently 'Forever and Ever' Means Something Entirely Different to an 8-year old.

Cole: "MOM! LOOK! I found this HUGE earthworm in the pasture."

Me: "Wow. He IS big."

Cole: "I'm gonna keep him. Can I use one of your canning jars? I wanna get some dirt, and lots of grass and some nice leaves...can I keep him?"

Mom: "Of course."

Cole: "GREAT! He looks so brave. I'm gonna name him after Indiana Jones. I'm gonna keep him in his little jar, and he's gonna be my pet forever and EVER!"

Me: "Ok! Sounds good. Let's go get "Indie" a jar..."

Cole: "OK!! I can't wait to tell my friends about my new pet. I'm gonna take good care of him. I'm gonna check on him EVERYDAY. He's gonna be my little worm FOREVER!"

Walking by the chicken coop....

Cole: "Hey Mom! Guess what?!! Chickens like WORMS!!!"

RIP Indie. It was nice knowing ya. Heh.

9-1-1 Friends

I remember one time our pastor did a series of sermons on 9-1-1 friends, and how important it is to BE one, as well as to HAVE at least one.  You know what I'm talking about...911 Friends ....These are the people you can call at anytime for any reason they are there for you. 

I am so blessed and feel so fortunate to have several 911 Friends.  And right now?  I am calling on them, and they are there.  No, I take that back.  I didn't even have to call on them!  They were just there.

Remember when I said life was overwhelming and just plain HARD right now?  Well, since then, it's become even harder.  My youngest son has been having ongoing health problems.  He has severe stomach aches every time he eats.  As a result, he doesn't eat much, and has lost weight.  All the doctors can tell me is that he has a 'non-specific autoimmune condition' and they're not sure if he'll get better, and they're not sure of a treatment.  In the meantime?  I have a sick little boy that I don't know how to help.

My husband is also facing surgery next week.  He will be in the hospital at least one, probably two days.  This is where my 9-1-1 friends come in!  I have friends who have graciously offered to take my kids for me so that I can be with my husband.  I have friends who have offered to come by the waiting room and be with me so I'm not all by myself.  I have friends that have offered to make us meals while my husband recovers so we have one less thing to worry about.

I am humbled.  I am THANKFUL.  And, I am so blessed.  To all my 9-1-1 friends (and you know who you are!) I say THANK YOU.  I consider all of you, not only friends, but my family.  And I want to say that I am there for YOU whenever you need a 9-1-1 Friend.  I'm there for YOU.

Reason #5857 Why I Love Living in the Country...

I was watching Cole today.  He was walking back and forth outside carrying sticks...

(Side note: Look at the pigs on the left. Every time Cole is outside they watch him.  Because he usually gives them a nice handful of grass, or a scoop of grain, or SOME treat!)

Anyway, so I asked Cole what he was up to.  He told me he was getting his castle ready. 

Castle?

I kept watching him... 

Turns out his 'castle' was the top of this apple tree:

Ha ha!  We may not have the fanciest house in the world.  And we may not live in a neighborhood full of kids to play with, but our kids love playing outside and making up fun games like this.  THIS is what childhood is all about!  THIS makes me happy.

Today I Will Make a Difference

by Max Lucado

Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimized by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stoplights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.

I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.

I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on. Victoriously. No failure is fatal. It’s OK to stumble… I will get up. It’s OK to fail… I will rise again. Today I will make a difference.

I will spend time with those I love. My spouse, my children, my family. A man can own the world but be poor for the lack of love. A man can own nothing and yet be wealthy in relationships. Today I will spend at least five minutes with the significant people in my world. Five quality minutes of talking or hugging or thanking or listening. Five undiluted minutes with my mate, children, and friends.

Today I will make a difference.

From Shaped by God
© Tyndale House Publishers, 2002

I never said my job wasn't entertaining...

Just got this call at work:

Him:  "Yeah, is Bridget Smith there?"

Me:  "I'm sorry.  There's no one here by that name."

Him:  "Is she not there today?"

Me:  "No.  I mean there is no one that works here by that name."

Him:  "Well, it's important that I speak to her."

Me:  "...."

Him:  "Do you know where I'd find her this time of day?"

Me: "Ok...I have no idea who Bridget Smith is.  She does not work here.  I've never heard of her."

Him:  "Well, hmmmm.  I really need to speak to her.  Should I try her at her home number?"

Me:  Okay.  This guy just doesn't get it... "Yes.  Definitely.  You should try her at her home number."

Him:  "Will do.  Go ahead."

Me:  "Go ahead?"

Him:  "I'm ready for that number..."

Me:  "Sir?  I don't have her home number.  I DON'T KNOW WHO BRIDGET SMITH IS."

Him:  "Well, do you have ANY clue how to get ahold of her?"

Me:  "NO.  NO, I DO NOT."

Him:  "Ok.  Thanks for your help."

Me:  "Any time."

Cornish Cross Chicks Are Here!

Look!!

Awwwww....Aren't they cuuuuute?!

50 of these little guys arrived at our place yesterday. We're expecting 50 more in a few weeks, and 50 more a little later, along with some turkeys! Surprisingly, in only 8-10 weeks, these guys will be ready for the freezer. (These only get 4 to 6 pounds. Think Cornish Game Hens like you find in the store.)

So, just like the pigs, we are offering fresh, pastured, natural chickens (and turkeys!) to our friends and family. They are available on a first come-first served basis. If you're interested, email me!

We will be free-ranging these guys in our pasture. And of course, we will only be using organic, non-medicated hormone-free feed.

Be prepared to arrive late afternoon/early evening at our house with an ice chest (with ice) on butcher day. We're estimating butchering in early August, again in mid-August, and again in early October. For the turkeys, we're butchering on November 22nd (the Sunday before Thanksgiving.) We're expecting 13 white turkeys with an estimated weight of 20-30 lbs. They can be held in an ice bath just above freezing until Thanksgiving.

You would need to be prepared to package and freeze them at your house. Seems crazy but it is a state requirement. We will have them chilled to about 38 degrees in an ice bath, butchered, plucked, clean, and ready for transport. Because of the rising cost of feed, we are charging for the cost of raising them. We don’t yet know what that will be. We're not interested in making money, just in recovering our costs.

Interested? Lemme knoooooow!