And the hits just keep on comin...

Ever notice that the things you fear will happen in life... seem to happen?  Or maybe that's just me.  I don't know.  But all the things I've ever feared my whole entire adult life?  Have happened ALL in the last month.

I found out yesterday that my husband lost his job.  On top of everything else.  It was nothing he did wrong.  It's just the line of work he's in.  Or WAS in.  It's in the toilet.  And so we're done. 

I don't even know what to say.  It's been one thing after another.  I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.  I wake up with fear and dread EVERY morning.  I wonder how we'll make it.  I wonder what will happen to us.  I wonder what's in store for us. The uncertainty is killing me.

But the thing is?  I know we'll be ok.  I know we won't end up homeless or something.  I know God will provide a roof over our head and food to eat.  We may lose our house.  We may lose material possessions.  But I know we'll survive and we will make it.  We're both college-educated intelligent adults.  We should be able to come up with some way to make it.

But.... I don't understand it.  I know that I'm still in the shock stage.  I'm shocked, and yes, I'm pissed off.  Why is this happening?  Why all of this all right now?  All at once?  I don't know.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3: 5-6

That verse keeps playing over and over in my head.  But I laugh.  My own understanding?  There is NO understanding.  I don't get it.  Perhaps there's no sense in expending energy on that.  I keep focused on surviving day to day right now.  Keeping it together.  Keeping my kids together.  It seems that's my role.  That's all I do.  And I'm tired.

You know what's funny though?  People.  Friends and family.  When we tell them what's going on, they say things like, "Maybe it's for the best."  FOR THE BEST?  Yeah. Ok. Easy for YOU to say.  Yeah, it's for the BEST that our lives are in the toilet.  It's for the BEST that my son is in pain every day with no way to help him.  It's for the BEST that we're in debt up to our eyeballs and my husband just lost his job.  It's for the BEST that my husband has ongoing health problems and soon-to-be no health insurance.  And a bunch of other crap that I don't feel comfortable saying here.  People used to say that years ago when we went through years and years of infertility issues.  "Yeah maybe it's for the best that God didn't give you a child."  No.  Don't tell me that.  That makes no one feel better.  Except maybe you.  I know you don't know what else to say sometimes.  I know you don't mean to make people feel badly.  But please.  Don't tell me all of this is for 'the best.' 

Yeah, I know this is all a part of God's plan.  I know we go through hard times and we come out on the other side better stronger people.  I get that.  I know that's probably what you mean when you say it's for 'the best.'  But you know what?  Tell me it's going to be ok.  Tell me that yeah, it's going to be hard but we'll make it through.  Tell me that God has us all cradled in His loving arms, and that He'll carry us through. 

Yeah, I know I seem angry.  I AM angry.  I'm ticked this is happening.  I'm a good person.  I wake up every day and find ways to be more Christ-like.  I use my energy and resources and money to find ways to help others.  I don't think I'm a greedy person.  I would like to think I do more good than harm in this world with the things God has given me.  Why is it being taken away?  All at once?  I wish I knew. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3: 5-6

I'm tired.  But I'm trying.