I get sick of holding it all together. I do. That's my role. ALWAYS my role. Keep everybody humming along. Make sure everybody's fed and warm and happy. While I'm dying inside. Sometimes I hate my role. Today I was terrible at it.
I snapped at the kids. Everything was a struggle. I worried about how we were going to pay bills and the mortgage, and blah blah blah. Today I did not have faith. And I was not patient. I was not kind. I was downright mean.
My son whined nonstop about not getting to have a friend over. He whined about his chores. He whined about helping me with the animals. I spent the entire day getting the house in order so I could go back to work this week. When I was all done, my youngest tracked muddy boots all over the living room. And he flushed the clogged toilet flooding the bathroom. And didn't tell anyone. My daughter picked fight after fight with her brothers. She broke two dishes emptying the dishwasher.
Finally I snapped. And I screamed and yelled. And I screamed and yelled some more.
And so today, not only did I fail in my role of holding everybody together, I succeeded in tearing us apart.
I can't do it anymore. I need a new role. This one sucks. And I'm no good at it.
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2 comments:
It's OK to fall apart once in a while. Today is a new day.
Di, that's what I call a temper tantrum. You had it, you deserve it, and it is done. I'm impressed with your honesty AND I love how you just gave me permission to be myself in my own journal, regardless of who reads it and who may be shocked by it.
I love you for being yourself. Do you feel better today? I agree with what Carol said.
OH! This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. Hmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hm. Hmmmm.
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