Confessions of a Lifetime Worrier

For as long as I can remember, people have been telling me that I worry too much.

One time when I was really little - like 5 or 6, I was visiting my dad.  (My parents are divorced, and my sister and brother and I flew to see our dad who lived in another town.)  Anyway, when this particular visit was over, I remember asking my dad, "When does our flight leave?"  And my dad said, "Diane?  You worry too much."

I do?

I was perplexed.  I just wanted to know when the plane left, so I could plan.  I needed to know the time.  I needed to know so I could get whatever I needed to get done before it was time to leave.

I know, I know.  What possibly did I need to plan and get done at the age of 5 or 6?  Maybe I needed to pack?  I don't know.  It does seem a little silly now.  But from then on, I tried to hide the fact that I "worried" about stuff.  Because I didn't want people to tell me that worried too much.  Obviously I don't do a very good job at the hiding part, because people still tell me that all the time.  People tell me, "You need to let go.  Stop worrying.  You need to hand it all over to God."

I have a hard time with that one.  "Handing it all over."  What does this mean, exactly?  I don't need to know what time the flight leaves, because I should hand it all over to God?  God will take care of details?  I don't need to plan stuff because I've handed it all over?

Yeah.  See?  I even worry about my worrying.

At work, no one tells me to stop worrying.  They like the fact that I plan and take of details.  It's my job.  When we have a guest speaker for chapel or a new teacher coming on board, they come to me to take care of all the necessary details to make it happen, and make it happen smoothly.  Because they know I'm good at that part.  (Well, that, and it's my job.)  But, no one says, "Stop worrying, Diane.  Hand it all over to God."  No.  They say - Do your thing.  Plan it out.  Take care of it.

Recently I've had an epiphany.  I've realized that there is a huge difference between planning and worrying.  I mean we all probably know that on an intellectual level.  But I realized that mostly what I do (at least now, at this point in my life) is plan, rather than worry.  And yes, I realize that plans don't always work out.  But, I don't think there's anything wrong with planning.

I think of worrying as more of the act of fretting.  Or tormenting yourself with anxieties and fears, or that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach.  Right?

One of the earliest memories I have, is lying in bed with my hand on my heart feeling it beat.  I used to think that if I felt my heartbeat for too long, I would blow up.  Ha ha!  (Yeah shuddup.)  But to me, that's WORRY.  (And yes, just plain bizarre.)

But, planning is thinking ahead about goals, steps and scheduling.  This is more what I do now.  I mean, I will admit that I do worry.  Don't we all?  But I worry less now than I used to. 

Even in my present situation, with my husband losing his job.  I spend time planning how to improve our situation.  (Whether these plans come to fruition is not the point.)  It helps me to plan.  It helps me to try and figure out a way to improve our lives.  This doesn't mean I don't pray.  I pray all the time.  But, I don't spend a lot of time worrying.  I don't sit and fret or torment myself with all the 'what-ifs'.  (Yes, uneasy feelings rise up, especially at night when I'm tired.)  But then, I turn these feelings into constructive thoughts on how, with God's help, we're going to get out. 

So, for me, planning reduces worrying!

Somewhere along the way I heard someone say:  "Planning for tomorrow is time well-spent. Worrying about tomorrow is time wasted." 

So true!