Yesterday, I was in my front yard weeding my flower garden. (No, I was not getting sprayed with the cow crap sprinkler. Thankfully, it has moved on.) Anyway, so I'm out there in all my peaceful quiet bliss, and I hear my 8-year-old son, Cole throw open the window and yell, "MOM. MOM!! Come QUICK."
Oh GOOD LORD. NOW what?
Without hesitation, I toss down my hand rake, bolt upright, and I run. No, I SPRINT around the house and inside the door, thinking, "What did he break now?" Followed by, "Oh man. Is he hurt?" And then, "Oh gees. He probably BROKE something AND got hurt with it." And finally, "Did he bleed all over my new carpet?"
Me: out of breath, inside the house now, scanning for blood, broken glass, and Cole...in that order "WHAT, Cole?" breathlessly, "Whatsamatter?"
Cole: running down the hall to greet me "Mom! Guess what?"
Me: "WHAT?"
Cole: "My weenis doesn't feel right."
Me: "Your what?" Yeah, I heard him. But it wasn't what I expected. And yes, a 'weenis' is what you think it is. He came up with that little gem. All by himself. About 2 years ago.
Cole: "My WEENIS. It feels weird."
Me: "What do you mean, it doesn't feel right? What's the matter with it?"
Cole: "Well, it sort of feels like it's suffocating."
Me: "Suffocating?"
Cole: "Yes, suffocating."
Me: "Ok, well, hmmmm. Interesting. Let me see."
Cole: "You want to see my weenis?"
Me: "Well. Yes. I do. Let me take a look."
Cole: Tugging down his sweat pants and undies in one fell swoop "Heeeere it is." As if he's showing me a grand piece of artwork "My WEENIS!"
Me: Bending down to take a look "Well, you know what, Cole? It looks fine."
Cole: "Oh! Ok. Well, it DOES feel better now."
Me: "It does?"
Cole: "Yeah. It needed air I guess. See? It WAS suffocating."
Me: "Ooookaaay then... Good. I'm glad. Now, put that thing away." Walking toward the door slowly...shaking my head...
And then whipping around and bolting back to Cole...
Me: "One more thing. Cole?"
Cole: "Yeah?"
Me: "If you ever feel your weenis is suffocating at school, do not... I repeat... DO NOT air it out there. Wait until you get home."
Cole: Mulling over this recent piece of advice..."Got it. Ok, Mom."
Ummmm...if you knew my son, you'd understand why I had to add that last tidbit....It was a REQUIREMENT that I add it. BELIEVE me. Monumentally essential.
And the title of this post? It's a direct quote from my 10-year-old daughter. She's been saying it for years.
I'm inclined to agree.
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4 comments:
haha. That cole. (shaking my head)
FYI, there is an actual body part called the weenis. It is the skin on your elbow. Really. Look it up. Now, go ahead, let your weenis get some air . . . anywhere, anytime!
I think I'm going to save this post and then when Cole is ooohhh, about 21 or so, I'm going to bring it out and let him read it. I'll use it for blackmail. I'm sure he'll be rich by then and it will come in handy for my old age retirement plan. I'll be set for life.
Orrrrrrr, Diane, have you thought of bundling all of these great posts up into a manuscript and sending them off to a publisher? Notes From the Farm. YOU might become rich and retire and do whatever you want for the rest of YOUR life. There! That's the ticket.
Love you,
M
GREAT IDEA, Mary!!
Yes! Fabulous idea. And? I don't think I will EVER run out of material.
Cole just told his brother (who's 11) "Gage? If your weenis is ever suffocating. Air it out at HOME. Mom SAID."
Gage was all, "Umm? Ok? Whatever." Ha ha!
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